12 years ago, on the 18th July 2012, I had a breakdown.
I went for my first day at a new job - a job that felt like an achievement. A well-paid position, with lots of chance to be promoted in the future. The job itself wasn’t far away either and it felt like the ‘perfect’ role - exactly what the world had told me would be my first real career job. And, while the day was a challenge for me, I got through it - I survived - until I got home and took a deep breath. At that point, the whole world started to fall away from me and I, too, was falling. I cried for hours that evening, unable to really communicate what was happening or why - frightened by the depth of feeling that I was experiencing and worried that it would never end.
I was unable to leave my bed for the next 3 days and spent time between crying and numbness. I booked a doctors appointment, which my Mum came with me to, for support. The doctor diagnosed me with Depression and Anxiety, and signed me off work for 5 months.
I didn’t go back to that job, even though they were very supportive and told me the position would stay open for a few months, if I thought I could come back earlier than the time I had been signed off for. In truth, by that point in my life, I had been holding on by a thread for so many years and it was time I finally faced the things that had been building up, that ultimately had just come crashing down around me. I was referred for 15 weeks of counselling and, luckily, I didn’t need to wait very long. It was the first step on a journey that has taken me into the deepest parts of myself to learn what makes me who I am.
While it was never picked up during those 15 weeks of person-centred counselling, 10 years later I began to suspect that I was autistic, and a year after my suspicions started, I received a formal diagnosis. I now realise that the breakdown I had experienced all those years ago, was an autistic meltdown and subsequent shutdown. I had become overwhelmed and overstimulated. All the years of trying to push myself into a box that I didn’t fit into had finally taken its toll and the world falling away around me was really the box disintegrating. It seems so obvious to look back from where I am now, but it took many many years of personal development, reflection and self-discovery to uncover that which had been so well hidden within myself.
Sometimes the path to healing and discovery isn’t linear. In fact, maybe we shouldn’t assume that it’ll ever be straight-forward. We continually spiral back down within ourselves to discover more. We continually fall and, hopefully, get back up to carry on, because the journey is the adventure: there is no real destination.
Recently, I’ve been contemplating what resilience means to me. It’s not a word that I’d ever have used to describe myself in the past. Back when I had that breakdown, I was about as far from resilient as I could be. It felt like this tsunami of emotions would never leave and life would just stop, suspended in this uncomfortable, never-ending chapter. There was comfort to be found in what I had always known. There was comfort in depression and its suffocating embrace. I don’t think I’m alone in that sentiment. When you have spent such a large amount of your existence in the darkness, it’s fucking terrifying to step into the light. It has taken many more spirals down to feel, even tentatively, a desire for new way of being; to believe that I deserve more.
Resilience:
the ability to be happy, successful, etc. again after something difficult or bad has happened
the ability of a substance to return to its usual shape after being bent, stretched, or pressed
The Cambridge Dictionary’s definition of resilience above, suggest that happiness and success is the normal, but I think I prefer the second definition, regarding a substance returning to its usual shape. As beings on this planet, I don’t believe that ‘happy’ is an achievable goal for the majority of the life we lead. We’re the only beings who think this should be the case - maybe due to our inflated sense of self. Am I the only one who thinks it would be really fucking exhausting to be happy all of the time? I prefer the thought that we strive for contentment within ourselves and a deep resilience in continuing. Life bends and stretches us out of shape, and the hope is that we are able to return to ourselves. We may be changed in many ways over our life course, but ultimately we feel some sense of coming home to our true inner being.
“Be willing to let go of who you think you should be, in order to be who you are.”
-Brené Brown
The difficult part, I suppose, is figuring out who we really are underneath it all, and uncovering the innate resilience within. For some of us that takes more effort than others. Some of us have many layers of ‘stuff’ that has been placed upon us from the society we live in, from our parents, families, friends, partners. In my personal experience, being a late diagnosed autistic female has meant some of those layers are so deeply imbedded and tangled up in my true self, that I have a hard time seeing what’s me and what’s ‘them’. I continue to gently unpick these layers with ever spiral I take. It is a bit like untangling many balls of yarn that have become twisted and knotted together - sometimes it is frustrating and overwhelming and you have no idea how you’ll possibly work out which ball of yarn is the one you’re trying to reach. But then you untangle an end, unloop a knot, and part of it unravels enough to see the next part - the next step.
Maybe we are all just balls of twisted and tangled yarns, trying to wind ourselves back into shape.
A last note, on World Mental Health Day, to remind you that you are not alone. If you’re struggling or facing a particularly tangled piece of your life, know that there are always people out there who can help. It can feel really scary to admit to ourselves that we are not okay, but it does not make you weak at all. Reach out to a friend, a GP or a helpline. Here are a list of places that will be able to offer support. Please don’t suffer alone.
Some other blog posts that might be of interest after reading this one ♥
And, one of my favourite videos about Empathy - something the world desperately needs more of:
Ruth, quite simply, thank you. Your honesty, compassion, and yes, resilience always resonate with me.
I so needed to read this today. I'm definitely having one of those low ebb days. I'm on a very similar journey at the moment and some days it feels very overwhelming. I always feel my baseline is minus 10 and it takes me a lot of effort to get myself to 0 and even more to positive and happy. I know what you mean, being happy all the time would be so exhausting! Thanks for sharing this with us. I love the way you write, it's always so open and comforting. It makes me hopeful that the long journey ahead of me, discovering who I really am under all the many many layers, will all be worth it 💕 x